In Peoria, Illinois, we offer couples therapy, marriage counseling, family therapy, children's counseling, individual counseling, sex addiction counseling, EMDR, trauma counseling, and assessments.
Can You Fix Your Family?
I have noticed a significant reoccurring pattern in several of my client’s stories these past few weeks and thought it might be helpful to share my thoughts on this with others.
There are some amazing families out there who are loving, securely attached, have healthy boundaries, and fulfill individual emotional needs in balanced ways. They handle big feelings and give grace for the human imperfections that are in even the best of us. They address conflicts and repair hurts in relationships. Yet, many of the adult clients who end up in my office do not come from such a family. Often, a big part of their recovery is identifying patterns they learned from their family of origin, such as attachment styles, communication, and handling conflict.
The short answer is no. You cannot fix your family.
I have noticed a significant reoccurring pattern in several of my client’s stories these past few weeks and thought it might be helpful to share my thoughts on this with others.
There are some amazing families out there who are loving, securely attached, have healthy boundaries, and fulfill individual emotional needs in balanced ways. They handle big feelings and give grace for the human imperfections that are in even the best of us. They address conflicts and repair hurts in relationships. Yet, many of the adult clients who end up in my office do not come from such a family. Often, a big part of their recovery is identifying patterns they learned from their family of origin, such as attachment styles, communication, and handling conflict.
I love this quote from Brené Brown, Rising Strong, about an exercise that she does with people:
“Folks write down the name of someone who fills them with frustration, disappointment, and/or resentment, and then I propose that their person is doing the best he or she can. The responses have been wide-ranging...One woman said, 'If this was true and my mother was doing the best she can, I would be grief-stricken. I'd rather be angry than sad, so it's easier to believe she's letting me down on purpose than grieve the fact that my mother is never going to be who I need her to be.'"
The bad news is that you cannot heal the dysfunction in the family you grew up in. If that was hard to read, read it again. It is not your role to save your parents/caregivers now, nor should it ever have been your job growing up. Let that responsibility go. It is keeping you stuck, sick, and sad. Maybe they will change and maybe they won’t. It is not up to you and it never was.
There is a very real grief process that comes along with the acceptance of that reality. All of us have expectations and dreams about what we hope life looks like, and this includes our family relationships. To lead healthy and wholehearted lives, we must make peace with the very real limits of others.
The good news is that you can change your own life.
You can grow.
You can parent differently and stop those generational patterns.
You can accept yourself as worthy of love and belonging.
You can freely give empathy because of the struggles you endured.
You are not doomed to repeat the past.
You can learn new ways to communicate.
You can set boundaries.
You can take the good parts of your family and limit the parts that are harmful.
You can make a new family.
You can cultivate authentic relationships based on love, emotional/physical safety, deep connection, grace, compassion, courage, joy, and showing up for each other. Not sure where to start? Give our office a call at 309-713-1485.
Holiday Survival Guide
As children, we often look to the holidays with anticipation and wonder. Like you, I have fond memories of twinkling Christmas lights, crackling fires, Thanksgiving feasts, and waking up to gifts under the tree. As adults, the holidays stir up more than pleasant sentiments. During the holiday season, we are reminded of hurt and loss. The void left by dear friends and family members during holiday celebrations is agonizingly felt.
Holiday Survival Guide
As children, we often look to the holidays with anticipation and wonder. Like you, I have fond memories of twinkling Christmas lights, crackling fires, Thanksgiving feasts, and waking up to gifts under the tree. As adults, the holidays stir up more than pleasant sentiments. During the holiday season, we are reminded of hurt and loss. The void left by lost friends and family members during holiday celebrations is agonizingly felt. Preparing for family visits, coordinating meals, sleeping arrangements, and transportation can really leave one’s head spinning. The stress of cramming several people into one house, and the ensuing drama can be emotionally draining. On the other hand, the lack of companionship during the holidays can be excruciatingly painful. Add the constant bombardment of ads for toys, appliances and electronic gadgets and gizmos, and you have a recipe for a monster 30-day headache. Here are five tips that I share with my clients on how to weather the holiday season:
This too shall pass.
Acknowledging your stress or pain during the holidays is your first step. Do not try to minimize or shove away what you’re feeling. Painful memories hurt and it’s okay to hurt. There’s nothing wrong with you when feeling grief or stress during the holidays. Listen to your body. You’re hurting for a reason, so honor and acknowledge it, then practice self care. Also, know that these feelings will pass.
Take time for yourself.
It’s very easy to get caught up in hustle and bustle of the holidays. Simply by the shear nature of running around to stores, planning, cooking, managing kids off from school, you will experience physical and emotional fatigue. Make sure that you plan time for yourself. This may look like going for a walk, sneaking away to watch a show, or reading a book. If you can, find time to exercise. Getting your heart rate up will help you feel better, and you will have some time to decompress.
Set clear boundaries.
It’s okay to say, "No." When family visits, we can get caught up in taking care of others or in family drama. If you feel overwhelmed, or you are placed in an uncomfortable situation, say, "No." People will respect you more when you hold firm to your boundaries. In any case, it’s important that you communicate your feelings with your loved ones. Let them know when you are tired and need a breather. If you have children, I would encourage you to work with your spouse to keep on the same page when parenting. Children can also feel the stressful energy, and they may test your boundaries in response. With children, be clear and consistent with consequences for inappropriate behaviors.
Participate in service.
Consider planning a service project for your family. There’s nothing like getting in the holiday spirit like thinking of others above yourself. This can also be a great teachable moment for your children about humility and sacrifice. In addition, if you are spending the holidays alone, service can help you stay active and keep your mind occupied in healthy ways. Who knows who you’ll meet?
Set a budget.
It’s very easy to blow your budget. Develop a plan and stick to it. Our culture is built on instant gratification and making emotional decisions, and the holidays are filled with emotion. Do not fall into the trap of emotional spending or using purchases to self sooth. This will never end well, and you will more than likely experience a large helping of buyer’s remorse.