Can You Fix Your Family?

The short answer is no. You cannot fix your family.

I have noticed a significant reoccurring pattern in several of my client’s stories these past few weeks and thought it might be helpful to share my thoughts on this with others. 

There are some amazing families out there who are loving, securely attached, have healthy boundaries, and fulfill individual emotional needs in balanced ways.  They handle big feelings and give grace for the human imperfections that are in even the best of us.  They address conflicts and repair hurts in relationships.  Yet, many of the adult clients who end up in my office do not come from such a family.  Often, a big part of their recovery is identifying patterns they learned from their family of origin, such as attachment styles, communication, and handling conflict.

I love this quote from Brené Brown, Rising Strong, about an exercise that she does with people:

“Folks write down the name of someone who fills them with frustration, disappointment, and/or resentment, and then I propose that their person is doing the best he or she can. The responses have been wide-ranging...One woman said, 'If this was true and my mother was doing the best she can, I would be grief-stricken. I'd rather be angry than sad, so it's easier to believe she's letting me down on purpose than grieve the fact that my mother is never going to be who I need her to be.'"

The bad news is that you cannot heal the dysfunction in the family you grew up in.  If that was hard to read, read it again.  It is not your role to save your parents/caregivers now, nor should it ever have been your job growing up.  Let that responsibility go. It is keeping you stuck, sick, and sad.  Maybe they will change and maybe they won’t. It is not up to you and it never was.

There is a very real grief process that comes along with the acceptance of that reality.  All of us have expectations and dreams about what we hope life looks like, and this includes our family relationships. To lead healthy and wholehearted lives, we must make peace with the very real limits of others. 

The good news is that you can change your own life. 

• You can grow. 

• You can parent differently and stop those generational patterns. 

• You can accept yourself as worthy of love and belonging.

• You can freely give empathy because of the struggles you endured. 

• You are not doomed to repeat the past. 

• You can learn new ways to communicate. 

• You can set boundaries. 

• You can take the good parts of your family and limit the parts that are harmful. 

• You can make a new family. 

You can cultivate authentic relationships based on love, emotional/physical safety, deep connection, grace, compassion, courage, joy, and showing up for each other.  Not sure where to start? Give our office a call at 309-713-1485.

Coping with COVID 19: Is My Current Sadness Really Grief?

Are you having trouble identifying your feelings during the COVID 19 pandemic?  You might be experiencing grief.  In a recent Harvard Business Review, foremost expert on grief and author David Kessler, states there is a 6th stage of grief.  Kessler co-wrote with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross about the 5 stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  In Kessler’s new book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, he says that after acceptance stage there can be meaning.  He is also the founder of www.grief.com.

Kessler states that:

We are feeling a number of different griefs, it feels like the world has changed and it has.  We are hoping it’s only temporary but it doesn’t feel that way.  There’s a loss of normalcy; fear of economic toll; and the loss of connection.  We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.

We may also be feeling anticipatory grief because the future is uncertain.  Typically, this happens with an impending death or receiving a dire diagnosis. Anticipatory grief is confusing. We know there’s potential for bad things to happen. We sense a loss of safety, but we can’t see it.  We no longer feel safe. 

It’s important to understand that there isn’t a map for grief or for the grieving. People manage their grief in different ways and in unpredictable timelines.  I won’t get the virus—denial. I have to miss my activities and stay home—anger. If I social distance for two weeks, I’ll be fine—bargaining. Will this ever end? —sadness. Ok, I have to figure this out—acceptance.  We find power in acceptance. 

Unhealthy anticipatory grief is really anxiety about the unknown.  We imagine future worst-case scenarios. We don’t want to dismiss this anxiety.  The goal needs to be finding balance in the things you are thinking. Not everyone who gets sick, will die. By staying in the moment, being mindful, you can calm yourself.  Name five objects in the room. Breathe. I’m okay. 

Let go of what you can’t control.  Be compassionate. Be patient.  People aren’t their “normal selves right now.” The most troubling part of this pandemic is the open-endedness of the situation. This is temporary even though it feels like forever. 

Kessler identifies the sixth stage as finding meaning after acceptance.  We want/need to find meaning in suffering.  This might look different to different individuals, groups, and societies depending on their circumstances and experiences.

Take time to feel your emotions, name them and allow them to move through you. Leave the “would of, could of, should of” out of your feelings.

Most of us tend to identify grief in relation to a death. Grief can also be experienced from any loss —loss of relationship, loss of job/career, loss of home, loss of financial security, loss of a pet, and loss of a dream.

If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, it’s important to seek out professional help with a qualified therapist. What has been your hardest loss to cope with?

Resources

1. Berinato, S. (2020, March 23). That discomfort you’re feeling is grief.  Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief