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When Grief Comes Knocking During the Holidays
I recently had the opportunity to speak on the Living Well television show about how to cope with grief during the holidays. You can watch the video by clicking the picture at the end of this post. I wanted to share a bit more on of my thoughts this topic since I only had a few minutes during my interview.
I especially wanted to speak about this topic because I lost my mother to breast cancer in September and this has been our first holiday season without her. Christmas was one of her favorite times of the year and she loved spending extra time with our family.
I recently had the opportunity to speak on the Living Well television show about how to cope with grief during the holidays. You can watch the video by clicking the picture at the end of this post. I wanted to share a bit more on of my thoughts this topic since I only had a few minutes during my interview.
I especially wanted to speak about this topic because I lost my mother to breast cancer in September and this has been our first holiday season without her. She was only 54 years old. Christmas was one of her favorite times of the year and she loved spending extra time with our family.
Celebrate in Your Own Way
There is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holidays, especially after the loss of a loved one. Do not put extra pressure on yourself to decorate, cook a big meal, or plan a party unless you honestly want to do so. And if you do, try not to stress out about it being perfect.
Balance Alone & Social Times
It’s okay to be alone and okay to want support from others on that special day. Some people prefer to grieve in private, and I recommend that you trust your gut feeling on what is best for you. Others might prefer to share memories with family and friends, rather than being alone. If you choose to be alone, make sure to have a support system or friend you can call if your thoughts take a negative turn.
It is OKAY to Have Feelings
Give yourself permission to be sad or quiet. You do not have to force holiday cheer or wear a fake smile just to make other people more comfortable. That is not selfish. On the other hand, don’t feel guilty for being happy and celebrating if that is how you really feel.
Honor Your Loved One
There are many things we can do to honor the memory of those we have lost. You could donate money or time to charity, shovel a neighbor's snowy driveway, or bring a present to a child in need. Leaving new flowers or even Christmas caroling at the burial site can help you connect to those memories again.
It is important to remember children in this process. They do not always have the words to express how they feel and may suffer in silence. It is helpful to have age appropriate activities so they feel included. This year, my sister-in-law had a wonderful idea. Our kids made Christmas ornaments to honor "Nana's" memory. Each child had a clear bulb style ornament and then filled it with ribbons, sparkles, snowflakes, etc. to represent different feelings and special moments with with their grandmother. They all really enjoyed it and put them on our Christmas tree.
Focus on the Good Memories
I think the most important part to surviving a holiday after a death is to stay focused on the good memories and not on the loss. As awful as it was to lose my mother, I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I never had her in it. I will forever be grateful for the time we did share together.
What are some other ways you have coped with grief during holiday time?
Click to Watch Video - Holiday Grief
Holiday Survival Guide
As children, we often look to the holidays with anticipation and wonder. Like you, I have fond memories of twinkling Christmas lights, crackling fires, Thanksgiving feasts, and waking up to gifts under the tree. As adults, the holidays stir up more than pleasant sentiments. During the holiday season, we are reminded of hurt and loss. The void left by dear friends and family members during holiday celebrations is agonizingly felt.
Holiday Survival Guide
As children, we often look to the holidays with anticipation and wonder. Like you, I have fond memories of twinkling Christmas lights, crackling fires, Thanksgiving feasts, and waking up to gifts under the tree. As adults, the holidays stir up more than pleasant sentiments. During the holiday season, we are reminded of hurt and loss. The void left by lost friends and family members during holiday celebrations is agonizingly felt. Preparing for family visits, coordinating meals, sleeping arrangements, and transportation can really leave one’s head spinning. The stress of cramming several people into one house, and the ensuing drama can be emotionally draining. On the other hand, the lack of companionship during the holidays can be excruciatingly painful. Add the constant bombardment of ads for toys, appliances and electronic gadgets and gizmos, and you have a recipe for a monster 30-day headache. Here are five tips that I share with my clients on how to weather the holiday season:
This too shall pass.
Acknowledging your stress or pain during the holidays is your first step. Do not try to minimize or shove away what you’re feeling. Painful memories hurt and it’s okay to hurt. There’s nothing wrong with you when feeling grief or stress during the holidays. Listen to your body. You’re hurting for a reason, so honor and acknowledge it, then practice self care. Also, know that these feelings will pass.
Take time for yourself.
It’s very easy to get caught up in hustle and bustle of the holidays. Simply by the shear nature of running around to stores, planning, cooking, managing kids off from school, you will experience physical and emotional fatigue. Make sure that you plan time for yourself. This may look like going for a walk, sneaking away to watch a show, or reading a book. If you can, find time to exercise. Getting your heart rate up will help you feel better, and you will have some time to decompress.
Set clear boundaries.
It’s okay to say, "No." When family visits, we can get caught up in taking care of others or in family drama. If you feel overwhelmed, or you are placed in an uncomfortable situation, say, "No." People will respect you more when you hold firm to your boundaries. In any case, it’s important that you communicate your feelings with your loved ones. Let them know when you are tired and need a breather. If you have children, I would encourage you to work with your spouse to keep on the same page when parenting. Children can also feel the stressful energy, and they may test your boundaries in response. With children, be clear and consistent with consequences for inappropriate behaviors.
Participate in service.
Consider planning a service project for your family. There’s nothing like getting in the holiday spirit like thinking of others above yourself. This can also be a great teachable moment for your children about humility and sacrifice. In addition, if you are spending the holidays alone, service can help you stay active and keep your mind occupied in healthy ways. Who knows who you’ll meet?
Set a budget.
It’s very easy to blow your budget. Develop a plan and stick to it. Our culture is built on instant gratification and making emotional decisions, and the holidays are filled with emotion. Do not fall into the trap of emotional spending or using purchases to self sooth. This will never end well, and you will more than likely experience a large helping of buyer’s remorse.